Instead of a star-rating system or even the old thumbs up approach, I have often speculated that a film—especially a truly lame one—should be rated on the number of times the viewer checks his indiglo watch. "Alone in the Dark"—a slim film at a mere 96 minutes—garnered 12 indiglo checks of my watch. That’s once every 8 minutes.

Yeah, the minutes drag by in "Alone in the Dark" an action bloodfest supposedly based on a video game and directed by newcomer Uwe Boll, a German who boasts a doctorate in literature. Go figure…

Beginning with the longest printed story explanation since "Star Wars," this illogical mess elicited loud guffaws from my audience. Twenty-two years ago, 20 children are "stolen" from an orphanage by a mad scientist type who performs a ghastly experiment on them. Somehow this professor is linked with an ancient Indian tribe’s artifacts that possess supernatural powers. "Alien" look-alike creatures are part of the landscape as well as superpowered zombies --the missing kids (now adults with weird scorpions in their spinal columns) who attack everyone else.

Confused? So was I. This jumbled mess of a movie has more gaping plot holes than a giant piece of Swiss cheese.

And what depths has Christian Slater sunk to that he actually stars in this goop? As the lone child who escaped being turned into a zombie (He was accidentally electrocuted and that severed the scorpion inside of him. Don’t ask…), Slater narrates the film with a solemnity that is unintentionally hilarious. Out to find out what happened to his fellow orphans, he hooks up with an overly made-up Tara Reid (assistant to the horrid professor) and together they fight the horrid creatures and the government bureaucracy headed by Stephen Dorff. Amidst the terrifying Armageddon of zombies and monsters, they manage one ridiculous scene of gratuitous sex. Amazing…

A large part of this goofiness is gunfire. There are numerous battle scenes between the monsters and the Bureau 713 troopers. It is mind-numbing however, that this specialized group—supposedly experts in the paranormal and equipped with all sorts of high-tech scanners—use regular machine guns to ward off the multitude of invading creatures. You’d think they would have invented some unique gas, bullet or poison. Crazy….

An insult to the average moviegoer, "Alone in the Dark" is actually the perfect group dissing movie. The lame special effects, the inane dialogue ("The hair on the back of my neck just stood up," gushed Reid.), the illogical storyline—all are just begging to mocked¾ loudly, within earshot of a crowd.

I, for one, want the name of the brand of lipstick worn by Reid. Running from scaly monsters, narrowly missing explosions, exchanging heated gunfire, climbing down a steep cave—Tara’s lips never lost their creamy shade of pink. Incredible…