The amateurish SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS, and the offensive horror series SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT-these are obvious holiday stinkers. It's the hyped, slickly packaged junk - the coal in fancy boxes ¾ that needs to be exposed.

Do not let the box art fool you. A large picture of Steve Martin in a tux topped by a Santa hat might tempt you to rent this supposed madcap farce for some light-hearted holiday viewing. I implore you to resist. Despite writer/director Nora Ephron's attempt to recreate her SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE success, with an incredible cast ¾ Martin, Madeline Kahn, Rita Wilson, Garry Shandling, Adam Sandler- and a memorable soundtrack filled with hip versions of holiday favorites, this is a pathetic, depressing movie. A group of LA misfits man a suicide hot line, amidst tired slapstick routines that will make you wince; "Say hi to your dead husband's sister for me." When two people actually die (and it's supposed to be funny) you know this movie is all wrong, a waste of talent.

What a weird beginning to a holiday movie! Claus and his wife die from overexposure when they are caught in a blizzard and are brought back to life by a group of short men in outfits right out of THE WIZARD OF OZ. The colors are too bright, the smiling elves are phony, and the fake antlers on the reindeer look ready to fall off in this overblown, big-budget, saccharine-coated disaster. Directed by Jeannot Szwarc, whose other career mishaps include JAWS 2, SUPERGIRL and the overrated SOMEWHERE IN TIME. This excessive debacle is memorable primarily as a low point in the careers of John Lithgow, as the dastardly toy maker out to wreak havoc on Santa's big day, and Dudley Moore as Patch, the inventor elf who saves the Yuletide. It only seems ten hours long…

The joyful-sounding title is deceptive because this unlikely holiday offering is actually the story of Job, brought to audiences in a fit of schizophrenia from the usually happy folks at Disney. The Grainger family hits a rough time from the get-go. Dad loses his job and the family must be out of the company-owned house by the first of the year. Mr. Grainger goes to the bank to withdraw the last of their savings when he is robbed, shot and killed. The thief steals his car with the Grainger kids in the back seat. The car careens through a bridge rail, plunges into the river, and the children drown. Are we in a Christmas mood yet? Mary Steenburgen is the devastated wife and mother, and Harry Dean Stanton is the sad-looking angel sent to help her. The majority of this movie is immersed in this morose story line; it takes forever for anything good to happen in this cheerless movie. A real downer, that's too intense for the kids.

I realize that this popular Schwarzenegger comedy flies off rental shelves year round and it's meant to be a spoof on parents' ridiculously frantic search for the "in" Christmas toy. Yet this is a lame movie that really embraces the very commercialism it mocks. Mattress salesman Arnold forgets about picking up the coveted Turbo Man action figure. He then spends the whole movie in fisticuffs or a battle of wits with other parents on the same mission, most notably postman Sinbad, whose crazy behavior does nothing for that beleaguered profession's reputation. The hoards of incensed parents fighting for the Turbo Man lottery ball reflects a depressing, unfunny portrait of modern-day overindulgence. Not exactly a celebration of peace on earth and good will toward men.

Yuck! Wealthy New York kids Thora Birch and Ethan Embry scheme to reunite their divorced parents in a sappy story that sounds like a hundred movies you've already seen. Prep school, cotillion dances, hors d'oeuvre sampling, art museums, maids and muffs¾yeah, like any kids will be able to identify with this unbelievable baloney. Leslie Nielsen appears as the Macy's Santa in two brief scenes, so don't believe the box art that implies a bigger role. When Lauren Bacall as the rich actress grandma sings "Baby, It's Cold Outside" to her captive party guests, you will reach for the Rolaids. A nauseatingly goody-goody flick that will leave you screaming "Bah humbug!"

Undoubtedly most will agree that IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, the original MIRACLE ON 34th STREET, and the 1951 version of A CHRISTMAS CAROL are the undisputed Hall of Famers of holiday filmmaking. With a nod to that formidable trio, I add a quintet of excellent Christmas film classics:

Cary Grant is the hunky angel sent to smooth the lives of a beleaguered pastor (a suitably stuffy David Niven) who is bogged down with plans to build a cathedral and his neglected wife (the luminous Loretta Young). After 53 years, this magical movie still tugs at the heart and delivers smiles simply because of the charisma of its legendary performers and the basic universal goodness of the story. Look for reliable second banana James Gleason as the cab driver whose humdrum life takes a delightful detour when he goes ice skating with Grant and Young. Do not confuse this masterpiece with the 1996 remake, THE PREACHER'S WIFE with Denzel Washington and Whitney Houston-an oddly hollow attempt that only proves that some things are best left alone.

As intrinsically linked as nutmeg and eggnog, both of these Irving Berlin musicals boast Bing Crosby warbling "White Christmas"-and the holiday simply isn't Christmas without at least one viewing of Ba-Ba Bing crooning to Marjorie Reynolds/ Rosemary Clooney, right? Your basic boy meets/loses/wins girl story is the guts of both songfests with Fred Astaire/Danny Kaye providing the dance expertise and comic relief. You may know the songs and dialogue by heart but it never gets old.

A dozen or so versions of the Dickens' classic have appeared onscreen since the 1938 Reginald Owen release. Mr. Magoo was the myopic Scrooge and even Bill Murray portrayed an Ebenezer-type in SCROOGED, but this Brian Henson rendition of the tale of redemption rises to the top of the list. Faithful to the original story, with a superb performance by Michael Caine as Scrooge, the film features all of the Muppet favorites in key roles, most notably with Kermit as Bob Cratchit and Miss Piggy as his feisty wife. Wit abounds here, especially in the clever lyrics to Paul Williams' songs and the narration by Gonzo the Great as Charles Dickens. Imbued with an energy and freshness never seen in this usually somber tale.

The monstrous furnace, the Red Ryder BB-gun, that fishnet-stockinged leg lamp, the impatient department store Santa, the tongue frozen on the flagpole¾who could have guessed that this offbeat combination of characters and events would add up to such a hilarious, warm-hearted holiday favorite? Based on Jean Shepherd's autobiography, "In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash," this sentimental memoir set in 1941 Indiana, rings true thanks to Peter Billingsley's dead-on portrayal of nine-year-old Ralphie-a kid whose childhood calamities touch a familiar chord with anyone whose mom warned "You'll shoot your eye out!"

A forgotten gem penned by the talented Preston Sturges, this witty comedy contains all of the famed writer/director's handiwork as seen in his more well-known works: SULLIVAN'S TRAVELS, THE LADY EVE and HAIL THE CONQUERING HERO. Witty and urbane, this sentimental comedy stars Fred MacMurray as the district attorney who falls for savvy shoplifter Barbara Stanwyck (who also stars in the classic CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT) who is caught stealing a diamond bracelet during the Christmas shopping hubbub. Agreeing to postpone the trial until after the holidays, MacMurray gives her a lift home only to find her turned away from her family. That's when the fun really starts. This is a hard to find hidden treasure that's worth the hunt.

A big screen TV (as large as you can find), popcorn, some hot chocolate, a fleecy blanket, and if you're very lucky a nice fireplace, and you're ready to pop in your movie. Happy holiday viewing!